Where is my WHY?


I am a motivational video junkie, yes, that’s right, I might as well confess to it right now. Eric Thomas is one of the currently popular motivational speakers and most of his video talks have left an impact, they get you really pumped up. The strange thing though, is that I hardly ever follow. Then I found the one that almost explained it all. The what is your Why? One. Now I say almost because deep down I know the reason I don’t follow through is because I am a serial procrastinator. Hey, what can I say, the first step in the Healing process is admitting your have a problem.

The premise of the video, is that you have to have a ‘why’, a reason to keep pushing on, to stay on the grind, to not give up. It is the thing/ the reason the pushes you beyond, just being to breaking through that ceiling, that plateau and entering the ‘realm of excellence’ (can you tell from my clichés how many of these videos I have been watching?

So I did some soul searching and found that I don’t have a why.

There are goals I have set to become healthier, to write, to make more art being at the top of the list but I think I talk about those things more than I actually do them. And it is not that I don’t want to do them, it is that unfortunate complacency that makes you think on some sub consious level that you don’t have to practice that much because you are really not that terrible. This in the long run leads to mediocrity or just never really doing anything significant.

I have had so many stories pingponging in my head for forever and yet, in 10 years I haven’t taken the time and effort it requires to actually put them down. There was ofcourse the procrastinator mindset that keeps telling you, oh, you will do it on the weekend, or starting the first of next month you will dedicate x hours etc but that never happens, and here is the crazy thing. Time keeps of ticking.

I want a why, I want something that is so important that it makes me keep going. I want something that drags me out of this bland phase. I know I can go harder at my dreams, but for each one of them I have like a crutch that makes me not feel the need, or more precisely the necessity to dedicate the proverbial 10,000 Hours.

1. Writing

This is something I have a deep passion for and would like to do when I retire from my 9-5 which was supposed to be at age 35 which is now just 4 years away. But I can’t expect that I will retire one day and then the next submit that first manuscript.

2. Art – Drawing, Painting.

This is something that is closer to my heart and I do not think of it as a commercial venture, either way it makes me happy and I would like to get really good at, not this mediocre playing around in the ink and passing it off as art.

3. Health and Fitness.

This is close to my heart. There is a history of disease in my family line that I would really like to break. I don’t mind the hours in the gym, my biggest failing is with what I eat. I am a bad eater, my meals consist almost entirely of snacks and fruit, I would like to say, I don’t  have time to make proper meals but that of course is hogwash. I just don’t care enough to dedicate time to cooking proper meals.

I don’t know why even when I say these things are important to me, I still don’t have the drive to do what it takes to change that situation.

Argh, I wonder if some other people experience this too.


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I am an artist, a reader and a recovering recluse. Things that interest me: comics, books, portraits, batman, fitness, food, gender, introversion, illustrations, travel and good music. In April 2018, I will be moving to Canada.. more on that later.

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